moiread: (GEEK • computer love!)
My cellphone is currently in for repairs and not having it is driving me absolutely batshit. I do have a landline, specifically because my Lifeline medical service needs one, but it doesn't normally even have a physical phone hooked up to it. I stole a spare wall phone from my parents', though, so that I could have a way to call out while I wait to get my real phone back.

I got my first ever phone call on the landline today and it was GREAT.

The call was supposedly from a guy at "Windows Technical Support", trying to inform me that my computer has been hacked! It is doing very bad things, ma'am! I must let him help me fix it or it will become very bad problem very soon!

Me: "Uhhh. What?"
Him: "We have been sending you notices, ma'am. You not get our notices, ma'am?"
Me: "No. And my computer is fine."
Him: "No, no, it is very bad. You may think this, ma'am, but it is very bad problem. It is hacked! This is Windows Technical Support, ma'am. I have your security ID. I can give you security ID and you can confirm on your PC. Go to your PC, go to Start Menu, and I will show you."
Me: "How did you get this number?"
Him: "This is number you registered Microsoft with, ma'am. We have IT department and they trace this number back to you with security ID."
Me: "Okay, registering my Microsoft is not actually a thing. And this number is less than three months old*. My copy of WINDOWS, not Microsoft, is much older than that and was registered as a different person with different contact information than me. You're very bad at this."
Him: "No, ma'am, maybe you think that, but we have IT Department, and they get this number."
Me: "From whom? From Bell? From Rogers? They gave you my information?"
Him: "Yes, ma'am."
Me: "Those are two different companies. You are VERY bad at this."
Him: "Ma'am, you must believe me, this is very serious. I can give you security ID. You can confirm on your PC. For last fifteen days, your computer is hacked and doing very bad things."
Me: "For the last fifteen days, my computer has been TURNED OFF, because I was out of town. You are the worst scammer ever."

Eventually I hung up. But it was fun. I never get scam calls! This totally made my day. Though, as [livejournal.com profile] harald387 pointed out, I probably get them all the time and just have no idea because normally there's no phone there to ring.

Maybe I should just keep the phone so really bad scammers can continue to amuse me. :D

* I swapped providers for the landline this past spring, and with that came a new number.
moiread: (wtf • alicia w.)
Someone called me a "very private person" today. This is even someone who follows me on Twitter, where I give TMI more frequently than I have ever done on LJ. (Not a greater degree of TMI, I don't think, but definitely in greater quantity.) And I have given LJ a hell of a lot of TMI, as you all well know.

I didn't know what to say in response, so I just made a face. (If you have met me in person, you know the one. It looks something like this icon.) I'm not sure how I could be any less private than I already am without making people inch away from me in public! Hell, I don't even close the drapes when I change anymore because at some point I just stopped giving a shit. (If you're staring that hard into my apartment as you walk past, you can feel free to be visually assaulted by the incredible blinding whiteness of my pasty fat-girl asscheeks.)

What more do you want? Amateur pornography? A running commentary on the state of my bowels? Good lord.

People are confusing.

Bill 115.

Sep. 7th, 2012 04:33 am
moiread: (glasses • stock.)
Hey, guys? The Ontario government is trying to pass Bill 115, which will freeze teacher's wages and cut sick days.

That's bad. Teachers are overworked and underpaid as it is, and if you think that having teachers who are being continually shit on doesn't affect the quality of kids' education, then probably you need to think a little harder. My own job has been cut down to 1/9th the time it was three years ago, because taking away support from students and teachers alike is apparently the best way to save money. So yeah. That's bad.

What's worse is that they're also going to be retroactively taking away sick time and vacation time that has already been earned in previous years, under previous agreements. It breaks all the previous contracts under which teachers are still signed. It also gives the cabinet the power to force school board employees (which includes teachers) to pay back any money they receive that contravenes the Act, or demand that boards deduct it from employees' wages. All of that should be illegal.

But what's completely unacceptable and unconstitutional is that they're trying to circumvent union rights and labour laws by adding clauses to the bill that say it supersedes any existing human rights or labour law and cannot be subject to examination by any arbitrator or court of law. Yes, really. These clauses also give the cabinet the ability to completely block strikes or negotiation attempts. These clauses state that subsequent changes to legislation will be decided only by the cabinet, at will, without actually needing to take the changes to parliament for an official vote, let alone negotiate with the union or take input from elected trustees. And do you know what we call it when the people in power give themselves the ability to screw with laws without having to interact with elected representatives, boys and girls? We call that taxation without representation.

Many teachers have been protesting, and but the bill is being rammed through as quickly as possible -- it's likely to be passed by Monday or Tuesday of next week, in fact -- with only 4.5 hours given for public consultation. And frankly, unless a bunch of average folks step up to support the teachers in this, they are going to lose. There has been very little coverage of what's going on, for a start, and beyond that, labour laws are a confusing, messy headache. Sorting them out to determine how you should feel is pretty fucking daunting, so not a lot of people are doing it. And really, all it takes is one cry of, "BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" and a bit of crafty rhetoric for our government to keep people from supporting teachers when they validly say that this is not okay and try to fight it.

To summarize: Under the guise of budget cuts and "Putting Students First" (the actual name of the bill), Bill 115 aims to slash benefits, take away previously earned benefits by breaking existing contracts, nix the ability for the teacher's union to call (or even threaten) a strike, and give the cabinet the power to circumvent unions and elected officials so that they can make decisions willy-nilly without the democratic process cramping their style.

The Canadian Civil Liberties Association thinks this is very, very bad and so should you.

I know a lot of you don't have kids yet, or don't want kids ever, or have kids who are currently too young to be in school. But this still matters. This is still not okay. It's not just about the kids, but also about the teachers themselves, who are largely a bunch of good, hardworking people who get the crap end of the stick enough as it is.

Please write to your MPP. Please? Even if none of you actually care that something this ugly is happening, can you just do it for me anyway?
moiread: (STAR TREK • I got out of bed for this?)
This is part ad and part rant, so that it will make me feel better both ways.

Does anybody here want a shirt in this style but in mottled terracotta orange-brown? I bought it custom as a tunic-style shirt, so it's shorter than the dress in the photo -- about 27" long from the cowl. Laid flat and measured that way, it's ~18" wide across the bust and widens to ~21" at the bottom. Double these for circumference. It is also stretchy. I can take photos for you.

The seller I bought it from made it ten inches smaller than the measurements I gave and not the right colour -- terracotta is obviously not anything like purple -- but is currently refusing my request to return it on the basis that it's supposed to be a clingy dress and is hand-dyed. Which is complete bullshit -- expecting made-to-measure items to fit you and be at least in the same family as the colour shown is NOT UNREASONABLE -- but Etsy won't mediate this kind of dispute, only stuff like non-payment or receiving a ceramic frog instead of a handbag. I contacted her to address this the day the top arrived in the mail and got no response for three weeks, at which point I left polite but negative feedback. She left blank negative feedback in return out of spite even though I am an awesome customer, friendly and polite and reasonable and understanding, who communicates clearly and promptly and pays immediately and contacts you about a problem right as soon as they get the item -- all the things a customer should be. (Other humans: not as fair as I wish they were, or as fair as I try to be.)

On the upside, she's finally talking to me. On the downside, it's as described above. She also seems to think that fat people should not expect to wear fitted clothing ever, only tents, so of course this garment looks shitty on me, what else did I expect, which is an element of her replies that I refuse to dignify with a response at all. (My wardrobe: Not actually full of muumuus, fuck you very much. Not that there's anything wrong with muumuus if you like them, but you take my point -- fat people get to have clothing options too. I am smart enough these days to know what works for my body and what doesn't, which is why I arranged for a tunic shirt and not a tube dress, and why I added an extra three inches to the waist measurement so it wouldn't cling to the bits of me that are lumpiest. I am not an idiot; this is not my first rodeo.)

My options are to accept the black mark on my reputation in order to keep the one on hers or else change mine to lie so that she'll change hers, but either way I've been swindled and am not getting my money back. If it at least fit, I could trying dyeing it and see what came out, but it's a sausage casing on me.

So. Anyone interested in this top? It could at least find a home with somebody who looks good in oranges and browns!
moiread: (facepalm • lisa e.)
Dear Certain Cisgendered Men of My Acquaintance Who I Will Never Call Friend and Do Not Feel the Slightest Bit Guilty Venting About Outside of Their Earshot:

I am so tired of whiny geekboy self-pity. "WOMEN ARE MEEEAN AND CONFUUUUSING! I am totally discriminated against FOR BEING A GEEK! Except by the stupid humourless feminist bitches! Those ones hate me just because I have a penis! MY LIFE IS SO HARD."

YES, STRAIGHT WHITE DUDE IN EXCELLENT HEALTH WITH A SIX-FIGURE SALARY. YOUR EXISTENCE IS SO UNFAIR.

Newsflash: Technology has taken over and geeks are the people making money. (Well, them and sports stars and Hollywood A-listers. Oh, and exploitative religious leaders, but let's not go down that road.) Being a geek is sexy now. Everybody wants to be one. There are entire internet communities devoted to making fun of "mainstream" people who "pretend to be geeks". The fact that you "true geeks" even have a sea of "poseurs" to make fun of like that should say it all.

Being a geek is NOT THE PROBLEM.

Being a shut-in is the problem. Being an asshole is the problem. Having no social skills and saying stupid shit is the problem. Having anger issues is the problem. Treating the very people with whom you want to have a relationship as if they are THE ENEMY and BITCHING about them all the time is the problem. Insulting women in the same breath as saying you want to have sex with them is the problem. Talking to women in ways that clearly indicate you don't care about them as people, only about how soon you can skip to the part where you get to touch their breasts, is the problem. Not seeing how fucking stupid you look when you do all of this is the problem.

Women don't shun you because you have specialized in a science- or technology-related field. Women shun you because you're a shitty person carrying around forty years of barely-restrained confirmation-bias rage that we can smell from across the room. Women shun you because we can tell from the first five minutes of conversation that you hate yourself and you hate us and you're about twenty minutes of antsy, impotent frustration away from shoving your hands down the nearest set of pants you can find.

Seriously. This is not fucking gradeschool anymore, where having a skillset far more developed and specialized than your peers was something that got you beaten up because the layman herd found your knowledge base confusing and therefore undeserving of respect. Now they are trying to catch up and BE YOU.

So get over your bitter high school baggage, you self-centered misogynist shitheel. If you spent half as much energy trying to learn about social dynamics and gender issues as you do creating intricate 30-page rants about the minutae of your latest MMO obsession and complaining about women, you might actually "get laid" occasionally by one or more of them like you so desperately want.

Because that is what you want, right? And you're a geek, right? You're that guy who prides himself on his intellectual curiosity and love of knowledge, right? You're a guy who's all about systems and figuring out how they work, right? You're all about reading up and observing, and you think you're able to assimilate a lot of information in ways most other people can't, right?

RIGHT?

SO STOP BITCHING AND FUCKING GEEK OUT ABOUT THIS ALREADY.

Cry!

May. 18th, 2012 08:12 pm
moiread: (bedmonster • alicia w.)
After eight hours in a Montreal hospital, I'm beginning to think that I'm just not allowed to do fun things anymore. Maybe not even leave the apartment...
moiread: (STAR TREK • I got out of bed for this?)
I know everybody wants to hear how the gyno appointment went this morning but frankly I don't even know where to begin. It was such a mess. )
moiread: (dude • stock.)
(Disclaimer: If you are reading this, you are not the person with whom I am angry, and I do not expect any of you to ever be this much of an asshole, but I am going to say it anyway because I need to get this off my chest.)

Look. I understand that you have opinions about women's sexuality that are coming from your interpretation of your particular religion. I respect your right to your religion. I do. I may have all kinds of other feelings about your particular choice of religion, or about religions in general, but I respect your right to have one and to live your religion as you see fit within the limits of the law and basic human rights.

But when the group is discussing the legitimate treatment of ovarian cysts through the use of the hormones available in oral contraceptive pills, you do not get to tell me that you "have a different opinion" because you're Catholic.

You have a different opinion on what? OVARIAN CYSTS? Did I miss the part where you obtained a medical degree in the last thirty minutes and now you want to contest the diagnosis? Are you advocating for prayer in lieu of treatment? Do you think cysts are some kind of divine punishment and therefore should be left alone? Seriously, what? What part of the treatment of ovarian cysts do you have a different opinion ondue to your religion? Because from here it just looks like you opened your mouth without thinking first and let a little steaming turd drop out.

We were not discussing sex. We were not discussing religion. We were not discussing you. We were discussing medical treatments for medical conditions using available medications. I understand that those other aspects are part of a similar, related discussion happening in many other places at the moment, but that is not what we were talking about. You have missed the point entirely.

And frankly, it offends me on a personal level that you would even have the gall to say it, considering the medical condition in question is something I have been fighting for the last thirteen years, something that has caused me a lot of pain and grief and hospital visits, that has left me with deep emotional scars that I have had to work on healing. Just because I have the good fortune to live in a country that isn't completely fucking batshit about medical care doesn't magically negate my strong connection to this particular topic.

Maybe you didn't know it was personal to me. I can see how that would be the case, as I rarely talk about my medical problems outside of LJ or Twitter. But I expected you to be smart enough to figure out that it's got to be personal to somebody, whether you know them to be within earshot or not, and I hoped you would be classy enough to treat the topic accordingly.

TL;DR version: My ovarian cysts have nothing to do with your fucking religious views. Shut the fuck up.
moiread: (wtf • alicia w.)
Chelle: Holy shit. The maintenance tunnels under the city are full of little aliens crawling around on all fours like fleshy babies with MOUTHS FULL OF JAGGED TEETH INSTEAD OF FACES!
Chelle: And then there are bigger ones with eggplant heads split open to reveal their giant throbbing purple brains. DEAR GOD THIS PLACE IS CREEPY.
Kevin: Uhhhhhhh. Chelle?
Kevin: Maybe you should, um, lay off the egg rolls for awhile, okay?
Chelle: Oh shut up.
moiread: (GOSSIP GIRL • bffls.)
Whoever had 20 days in the betting pool, you win. Didn't even need an ER trip this time. Apparently I'm just good at it now.

BB ([livejournal.com profile] endeers) thinks I should name it 'little Fuckyou' and throw a baby shower with cake and presents. I admit I am not opposed to celebratory cake.

And on that note, I am going to go genuinely cry with relief. I have been in an incredible amount of pain every day and I am so happy this is over.
moiread: (facepalm • lisa e.)
Back in the ER after passing out on a restaurant floor in the middle of a nice meal with friends. This is beginning to feel like a tradition of some kind. Maybe I have bad restaurant karma? Either that or my friends keep poisoning me...

*gives you all the side-eye*
moiread: (facepalm • lisa e.)
So a few years before I was born, the Iranian hostage crisis happened. When the American embassy was overrun, six American diplomats evaded capture by hiding out in the homes of Canadian staff in Tehran. Canadian Parliament held a secret session (the first since WWII) to pass legislation so that Canadian passports could be granted to those six diplomats to help them get smuggled out. This scary little adventure has since been dubbed The Canadian Caper. Ken Taylor was the Canadian ambassador who has publicly received credit, but there were other Canadian Foreign Affairs people involved in actually making it happen, of which my father was one.

The Lijeks, who were one of the families that needed to be smuggled out, were then and still are close family friends. My mom and I read the latest of their regular letters to us over shawarma last night after my doctor's visit.

One of the things their letter talked about is that the Canadian Caper is being made into a major Hollywood movie starring and directed by Ben Afflek, only the Canadian part is being erased entirely. In the movie, called "Argo", it's all the CIA. The producers asked the Lijeks to come in and consult but then tossed out everything they had to say. Lovely! I always appreciate grossly historically inaccurate "based on real events" stories that throw my country -- and people I know personally -- out the window.

The only good thing about the movie, I think, is that Cora Lijek is being played by Clea Duvall. I heart Clea Duvall.
moiread: (dude • stock.)
So I had a grand mal seizure this past summer, as you may remember, that nobody could find an explanation for. We did a bunch of tests, and then a bunch of repeats, because the first test would have weird results and then the second one would be fine. Since the big seizure, I have had three distinct events that were very seizure-like according to everything I've read about minor seizures, so I have understandably been wanting to talk to the neurologist about them. Also none of my other doctors wanted to proceed with treatment that might exacerbate seizures, if I had a disorder, until we had a confirmed diagnosis or a clear go-head.

After ducking me for two months, I finally managed to convince the neurologist to give me an appointment and talk to me. Here is how it went:

Dr: "So what's happened since our last appointment?"

I describe the events.

Dr: "It doesn't sound like you were having seizures. It sounds like maybe some of the crystals in your inner ear got dislodged and resulted in some vertigo. Usually you just shake your head to clear it."
Me: "So then how do you explain the other effects, like lack of depth perception, difficulty managing verbal communication, lack of coordination, and inability to cognate anything more than basic stuff? Or the extreme sensitivity to light and noise afterwards? And moving my head around definitely did not improve anything, I tell you what."
Dr: "Well, it could also have been basilar migraines."
Me, thinking of Someone In Particular: "Can we confirm those?"
Dr: "Not really."
Me: "Do they usually last only a few minutes for the acute symptoms and then move into the other stuff for about twenty minutes and cause exhaustion afterwards and lingering effects for days?"
Dr: "I guess they could."
Me: "Okay. So I had one grand mal seizure and possibly some basilar migraines afterwards."
Dr: "Actually, the first one probably wasn't a seizure either. You probably just passed out."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Dr: "Well, it says here you had been throwing up previously. So you were probably just dehydrated and then you passed out."
Me: "But I seized."
Dr: "Well, convulsions can happen sometimes as a sympathetic response. But it's not seizing."
Me: "But I lost bladder control. And they ruled out causes like dehydration, blood sugar, electrolytes, etc, in the ER. I had been taking really good care of myself despite the vomiting. They couldn't find a reason on that level. That's why they forwarded me to neurology in the first place. And everyone who looked at it, including you, said it was a grand mal seizure."
Dr: "Well, if you had a seizure disorder, it would have shown up on your tests, which were clean."
Me: "But it doesn't have to have been a seizure disorder. Anyone can have a seizure if things combine properly for it. I know that from basic First Aid courses, and you yourself confirmed it at our last appointment. And a one-time seizure caused by whatever the hell it was caused by wouldn't show up as a chronic problem on my tests because it wouldn't be a seizure disorder."
Dr: "Well...."
Me: "And the first appointment we had with you, you were certain it was a grand mal seizure from looking at all the data, and we talked about seizure medications, and you told me that my medical history indicates my seizure threshold is lower than most people's and you gave me a list of things to avoid so as not to exacerbate that. How does confirming that I don't have a specific seizure disorder negate that?"
Dr: "Well, we don't want to add to your list of diagnoses or worry you innecessarily. So we're just going to leave it as unexplained for now. But keep an eye on it!"
Me: "I can assure you that leaving all this as 'unexplained' worries me a great deal more than a concrete diagnosis, even if that diagnosis was that I had a brain tumour. Because then at least I'd know, and we could start trying to fix it. Not knowing what it is or when it will happen again or how bad it's going to get or what I can do to help stop it is much, much worse."
Dr: "Well, we don't feel it's prudent to give you a seizure disorder diagnosis without evidence, so we're not going to."
Me: "I'm not asking for a seizure disorder diagnosis. I don't care what the diagnosis is so long as I get one and have an answer. I just want to know what these events have been since then. Were they migraines? Were they seizures? Do I have a brain tumour? Is it a bad reaction to my meds that can be easily solved by swapping to something else? What?"
Dr: "Unfortunately, brains are very complicated. There's a lot we don't know."
Me: "I am not unaware of this." (Also, I am not a four-year-old. Talking to me like one is patronizing.)
Dr: "Alright, well, I think that's all we need to cover today! Thanks for coming in!"

And then my mom piped up with, "Does the fact that she has synaesthesia make any difference?"

I was fairly certain the answer was no and it was not relevant, but get this:

Dr: "Synaesthesia? I don't know what that is."
Me: "How do you not know what synaesthesia is? It's a weird, unique, super interesting, medically verified neurological phenomenon in which the brain's sensory-managing pathways don't separate fully, or they have a lack of feedback inhibitors, if I'm remembering correctly, and the result is that people experience things like seeing numbers or letters in particular colours, or having tastes triggered on certain sounds, or tasting colours, and stuff like that."
Dr: "I have never heard of that before. I don't even know what might cause that."

And she starts looking at us like we're crazy people.

Me: "My permanent synaesthesia aside, a lot of the basic introductory literature I've read on seizures talks openly about how temporary synaesthesia is a common after-effect of a seizure. So how is this new to you? You're a neurologist. Advising me on seizures."
Dr, still giving me the side-eye: "Well, we don't need to know about stuff like that."

So that was my appointment. Not only did it fail to provide any answers, it managed to turn all the previous answers back into questions. Also now my neurologist thinks I'm making shit up to sound special. Awesome. I know that doctors are just people, not magical omniscient repositories of encyclopaedic data, but jesus christ.
moiread: (GLEE • you're lashing out.)
It would be really nice if fewer people got so upset with me about the fact that I go through periods where I do not have the energy to go around initiating conversations with my friends. Or, as the people who get upset would prefer, just them. Because, you know, they are so special that obviously they should be exempt. They don't care if I don't have the energy to be social with anyone else, but they totally deserve my time and attention regardless. This is inevitably ALWAYS the case with people who get upset about this. And also, inevitably, when I tell them (politely, in a warm and friendly tone, because I am trying to be Really Good About Things on my end) that there are days where I would just like to quietly log onto my hobby game and play around a bit without initiating social activities, this is apparently not an acceptable answer, because they didn't realize that saying hello to my friends was such a big deal. God. (And if you read that with a super snotty tone, you got it exactly right, because that's the tone it was said to me in.)

I dunno about you, but if someone were to come up to me out of the blue and say, "Hi! But I don't actually want to talk to you, so bye!", I would find that pretty fucking weird. And not a little rude. I think that just staying quiet and low-key and deciding what to do on a case-by-case basis when other people poke me (instead of the other way around), if they do, is much more sensible and polite.

I can understand how someone else might not approach it the same way, but guilt trips and questioning the validity of my explanation of what I am and am not able to give when I'm doing poorly is really not the way to go about addressing this difference in our expectations. Just a thought. When someone is clingy and demonstrates that they are happy to be passive-aggressive about my lack of communication -- for all of FORTY-EIGHT HOURS, I might add, so it's not like I was MIA for long -- and be a snotty petulant shit about it, any interest I may have had in spending time with them now that I am being social again today goes right back down to zero.

Less than zero, even. Gonna be awhile before I accept any social contact from that "friend" again. And I respect them a lot less, too.

Clearly their strategy was super successful!

PS: If you are reading this, you are not one of the people who does this to me, and I love you for it. Please continue to be awesome and to keep me as your friend despite my limitations, because you make my life better for being in it. Not everyone is so awesome, and when they are PHENOMINALLY less than awesome, I kind of need to put it somewhere so that I don't snap and verbally shiv them in the kidneys.
moiread: (exasperated • alicia w.)
Lately I've been reading a blog dedicated to the Health At Every Size philosophy and it's really cemented my position on weight loss. Which is to say that I think a lot of the rhetoric surrounding weight loss is bullshit.

First, almost all of the fad diets out there don't work. Most of them rely on dehydrating the body to dangerous levels and then pretending the corresponding weight loss was fat loss. The rest are either insane (urine injections, anyone?) or involve extreme surgery (stomach stapling!). And everything everywhere, including every doctor I've ever spoken to, screams, "WEIGHT LOSS WEIGHT LOSS WEIGHT LOSS OR ELSE YOU'RE PATHETIC!"

And I think that sucks. I think it's damaging and disgusting and, worst of all, completely untrue.

Fact: Metabolism is largely tied to genetics. Fact: 95% of dieting fails in the first five years, regardless of the method used. Fact: Body fat is obviously not a useful indicator of health, as there are plenty of skinny people who eat like shit and plenty of overweight people who work 10-hour shifts doing manual labour.

Health is about what you do, not what size you are.

Have I gotten on the weight loss bandwagon in the past? Yes. I was told by my doctors to lose weight, so I tried. At the time, I was depressed and living in a situation where healthy food was really difficult to manage, but I pushed hard and did it anyway. I started eating better and exercising more. I lost 60 lbs. Yay for me!

But then I plateaued. Even once I upped the ante to running around after three kids all day, hauling a 30lb baby around for hours at a stretch, walking the dog for 40mins at night, and eating like a bird (to the point where my sister actually joked on a regular basis that I never ate), I didn't lose that much more weight. I went down one pant size. And now that I'm not running around like a headless chicken and living off stress energy, I haven't gained much more back. I only gained back that one same dress size.

So I feel like I can say with some authority that whether my overweight state is caused by genetics or by my fucked up endocrine system, the weight I'm at right now is probably a realistic size for me to be under whatever circumstances are relevant. I made the lifestyle changes that got rid of my extra fat, and now the fat that's left is just me. Short of a miraculous breakthrough in my medical treatment -- which still may or may not alter my weight at all -- or getting so frustrated with my shitty energy levels that I start taking speed recreationally and decide to run marathons for fun, this is probably the weight I'm going to stay at.

So why the hell are my doctors continuing to push weight loss like that will solve all my problems? They tell me, "Oh, your PCOS will get so much better if you could just lose a little weight!" But I lost 60 lbs and it made no difference. "Well, if you just lose a little more, surely then it will get so much better!"

Nuh-uh. I'm not buying it.

I'm also not buying the argument that I need to lose more weight and exercise more to feel better. Because I tried that, and all I felt was weary beyond belief. And when I pushed anyway, like all those you're-just-being-lazy comments I hear tell me to, all THAT did was leave me crying in bed for 48 hours as every fibre of my body screamed at me for being so stupid. So if, when I say that I need help to feel better so that I can do more, the response is that I have to do more to feel better or else I must not want it bad enough? That shit can go fuck itself right in the ear.

So I have a new policy! Well. It's not really new. It's been my policy for about a year now, but I have only started being really vocal about it over the last six months or so. My new policy is that my body is my body and it is doing the best it can. My weight is no longer an indicator of my health, and unless I suddenly start putting that 60 lbs back on despite no dramatic change in my diet or exercise levels, going back to the assumption that it is an indicator of my health is stupid.

I am not a "fatty pride!" apologist; I refuse to judge anyone else's situation. It's none of my fucking business. What I am is sick of the lies and being pressured to try "solutions" that have no factual basis.

So stop cramming weight loss down my throat, world, because I refuse. I want less bullshit, less shaming, and more actual treatments. And until those happen, I'll be spending my energy on learning to love myself a little more instead. And my doctors can either help me or get out of my way.
moiread: (facepalm • lisa e.)
How do you tell a really neurotic, obsessive, my-cat-is-my-substitute-for-a-child pet owner for whom you are pet-sitting that calling and e-mailing you every day to demand updates is not okay with you? Not only is it really obnoxious, but it's stressing me out. She keeps demanding that I do certain things, like play certain games with the cat in a certain way, and then the next day she wants to hear how it went. And of course I haven't done it, because what she wants is ridiculous. I feel like I'm being graded, and the level of expectation involved is making me dread every communication, which in turn is pushing buttons with my phone phobia/social anxieties.

She keeps making comments like, "Well, if you maybe wanted to interact with her more, and really engage with her..." I don't understand how much more one can be expected to engage with an animal that mostly wants to sleep in the sunny spot on your carpet all day. I play with her when she seems interested, pet her whenever I walk past her during her endless naps, take her for a 30-40 minute walk every day or two, and enjoy her company every time she comes to flop on my desk while I'm on the computer. I talk to her, give her treats, get her stoned on catnip, and load her up on scritches. This is a lot more attention than most people's cats get, and I genuinely do not know what more I can be expected to do without focusing on the cat every waking moment.

Besides, there just aren't that many new things to report. What does she expect me to say? "Today Sheba napped on the armchair instead of the coffee table and it was soooo dramatic! DUN DUN DUN!"

I am trying to find the line between letting her run roughshod over me (bad!) and respecting that she is paying me for a service (good!). I am currently trying to be polite but firm, to only answer phone calls from her every two days instead of every day, to delay by 24 hours in responding to her e-mails, and to cheerfully pretend I don't notice any passive-aggressive attacks. At the same time, I'm making it very clear that Sheba is happy and content. I'm hoping this will eventually wean her off the stranglehold she is trying to establish.

I get that this is all just because she has so much invested in her cat emotionally and is going through a really hard time (the personal details of which I will omit here for obvious reasons), and not having a main source of comfort/routine around is probably really hard for her, but she is actively making my life more difficult as a result, and it's not okay.

PS: Lady, please stop sending me photos of your cat. I seriously do not care that much. She's very lovely, but she's not my cat, and even if she was, I would not be that obsessed with her. Besides, she is right here. If I wish to gaze adoringly at her striking beauty, I can just turn around. (I know, I know, I took a few photos when she first arrived, but that was because she was pretty and everyone would have demanded pictures anyway. It's not the same thing as wanting to be sent photos of her every day.)

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Chelle

November 2015

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