moiread: (grinning • maria m.)
I saw myself -- overweight but not obese, very buxom, flowy shirt, comfortable pants, long chunky necklace, super short buzzcut hair, big earrings, glasses, a smirk, a crazy hippie bisexual feminist with health problems, book in hand -- and I had to laugh. Because I know that woman. I've known so very many of them. As a young teenager, I would meet these women, these awesome mothers and aunts of my friends, or my very favourite teachers, and they all looked just like that. Just like that. They were articulate, well-read, independent, critical-thinking women with wicked senses of humour, who raised smart kids and gave books to everybody and talked about politics in ways that went completely over my head. I always thought they were so cool and worldly, and I admired them a lot.

I just never expected I'd be turning into one.

See you when you're 35, self.
moiread: (bedmonster • alicia w.)

Chelle: I would love to hang out and play SW with you guys but I have the dead.
Chelle: I think I just need to go to sleep. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, etc.
Kevin: Sleep well!
Chelle: I am sad to not have the energy for my friends/hobbies this past week.
Chelle: Waaaaah my life is hard.
Kevin: *patpat*
Kevin: It's not as if you're still recovering from four weeks of constant pain or something.
Chelle: You and your logic.
Chelle: Honestly.
Chelle: What is that shit.
Kevin: I don't know.
Kevin: I suspect your relentless sensibleness may actually be rubbing off on me.
Chelle: There are worse fates.
Kevin: I don't know.
Kevin: Anything of yours rubbing on me is pretty terrible.
Kevin: Lord knows what I'd catch.
Chelle: See, there now, you've gone and ruined a perfectly good friendship moment.
Chelle: Clearly you are still thoroughly yourself.

I'm sure I will become an interesting human being again... soon. Yes.

In the meantime, have a giggle while you wait:

moiread: (chin in hand • kate h.)
A sampling of subject lines from my e-mail inbox, presented without context:

theories of travel redux
Found it (prostate)
Ancient chinese secret to grow hair...
I'm not dead!
I've got a thing for you
Beard, Revisited
Hello, Operator
Photos of the maid
shit here on this map
Involuntary Dracopuncture
Naptime for Van Helsing
We are immortal now


Apr. 13th, 2011 01:31 pm
moiread: (:O! • lily a.)
On my way home from physiotherapy today, I decided to stop in at the walk-in clinic where I get my weekly allergy shot and do that. (I can manage it right now and might not be able to later, you see.) After you get the shot, they make you wait in the waiting room for half an hour to make sure you don't explode or have your throat close up or anything. Anaphylaxis is unpleasant and all that. So here I am, doing that supervised waiting, reading news, checking LJ...

And [ profile] alecaustin walks in. Only not, because he used an OHIP card, and I'm pretty sure [ profile] alecaustin is not covered by my province's health insurance plan, being a Californian. But whoa. I did a double-take at the voice alone, and then the guy turned around to find a seat and lo, it was even the right face.

Seriously. Alec, you have a Canadian twin named Alex.

moiread: (wtf • alicia w.)
While discussing a fetish in which a man's penis eats him:

"So the trouble with having done phone sex for a living is that when someone brings something like that up, I keep trying to figure out the logistics so I could DESCRIBE it."
"You could wind up with some sort of fucked up ouroboros thing."
"That's my point! Where would it start? Leg? Face? Would you wind up with a fucked up ouroboros but with kicky legs?"
"I'll go Ask Jeeves!"
"Oh god, you're not not seriously going to--"
"Okay, top three results for this topic were: 'Steve, Don't Eat It', TVTropes, and 'How I Quit Cooking: Women In The Kitchen'."
"TVTropes. Of course."

This is a typical ending to one of our standard mid-game Epic Digressions™. You can see why we're still together after ten years. Or at least why I keep attending -- these people are like me.

In other news, I should probably set my LJ to "Contains Adult Content" one of these days.
moiread: (dude • stock.)
Reformatted for people who don't use Twitter:

Chelle: Note to self: Small fuzzy mice explode in the microwave after just three seconds. Stick with thawing in hot water.
Jimmy: that's... valuable information. I will be sure to inform my cat.
Nat: I will not laugh I will not laugh I will not laugh.
Chelle: I forgot I'd meant to feed Eve two tonight, since she didn't get fed for two weeks, so I tried to thaw a second one in a hurry. FAIL.
Nat: Don't your mice have instructions on the package? Saying DO NOT MICRO?! ...or you buy in bulk?
Chelle: The place I buy from is a local zoo. They do BYO Bag mice for cheap.
Chelle: They are a reptile zoo/rescue/education center/summer camp, so I like to support them. But no, no instructions. I have common sense!
Nat: Ah, the commerical ones have warnings. "CAUTION: WILL ASPLODE"
Chelle: HA. Nice. I suspect they would have told me if I'd seemed uncertain/newbish. Or if I'd asked. But meat gets thawed in water. DUH.
Kevin: Well, on the bright side it's a mistake people only really make once? Usually. I hope.
Chelle: If there are repeats, it doesn't count as a mistake anymore. Then it's SCIENCE. But not in my kitchen, plz & ty. Terrible smell.
moiread: (facepalm • famke j.)
Rob, Rae, and I were all lounging in the living room, enjoying the breeze coming in through the windows, sighing at the overtired manic hyperactive baby who lost all sense of proportional motor control like an hour ago. We are talking quietly, discussing the day...

The door jangles. In walks Rick, with his bike helmet and gloves still on. He looks over at us with this stricken expression and announces, "I was just chased home by a DUCK."

There's this moment of complete dead silence, while he just stands there staring at us wide-eyed, and then we all erupt into laughing so hard we can't breathe properly.


Dec. 18th, 2009 12:17 am
moiread: (scrunchyface • HOUSE MD.)
In the middle of watching TV, I get up from the couch and begin rummaging around.

Rose: "What are you looking for?"
Me: "Something sharp!"
Rose: "Why?"
Me: "I'm being neurotic!"
Rose: "Ooookay."

After the animated short is over, Rose turns to find me clearing up a small pile of plastic wrap, which I have carefully removed from my bottle of Gatorade in strips using a few teeth of the dog fur comb. (I would have just done it in one go by peeling at the edge with the glue, but this was the sport bottle kind and the plastic was fitted. It required a tool and some surgical effort.)

Rose: "...So what did the plastic do to offend you?"
Rose: "Uh... huh."
Me: "No, really!"
Rose: "I believe you."
Me: "Every time I picked it up, it crinkled in my hand! It was terrible!"
Rose, in a 'there there pat pat' tone: "I understand, dear."
moiread: (innocent! • bonnie w.)
John ([ profile] theweaselking) invited all the gamers out for Indian food on Monday night on the idea that "Thanksgiving is a holiday fundamentally about not starving to death because Indians give you food".

Kevin: "So are you coming for Indian food on Monday?"
Me: "Probably not. I have a family that gets cranky about these things."
Kevin: "But it's the spirit of Thanksgiving to eat Indian food!"
Me: "WRONG KIND OF INDIAN. If anything, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving to eat supposedly Native American food!"
Kevin: "If you want to get really properly traditional, we could sit around having peyote and mescaline."
Me: "..........I would be so down for that."
Kevin: "WHAT."
Me: "After the month I've had? FUCK YES. SOMEBODY GET ME STONED OUT OF MY MIND."
Kevin bursts out laughing.

EDIT: After seeing this post...

Rose: I think I still have some weed from the last time I ran out of pain meds. ;)
Chelle: Heh heh heh.
Rose: I am not even kidding.
Chelle: Unfortunately, I can't smoke it. Vaporizer only. :(
Rose: God, your body SUCKS.
Rose: I mean, so does mine, but at least I can smoke pot to take the edge off.
Rose: And drink. You can't do that either.
Rose: Sucks to be you. Seriously.
moiread: (smirky • me.)
Me: "Kevin, why is there a key sitting in the lock on our mailbox?"
Kevin: "Try to take it out and you'll see."

I reach over, turn the key, and remove it. Hand it to Kevin. He STARES.


I start golf-clapping.

Kevin: "Fuck you. You don't get to say anything. NOT A WORD."

Me: "Heh heh heh."

Kevin: "NOT A WORD."
moiread: (innocent! • bonnie w.)
Chelle: There is a fly on my monitor.
Chelle: I'm amusing myself by playing with the mouse and wigging it out.
Chelle: Oh no! The pixels are zooming towards me! Aaaaah!
Chelle: Evil cursor!
Chelle: The fly actually backs up.
Chelle: It's neat.
Chelle: Hee hee hee.
Chelle: I have now managed to make the fly turn in a complete 180 degree circle by strategically pushing the cursor at it from an angle.
Chelle: .....
Chelle: I should really be in a career in the sciences, shouldn't I.

Nat says this isn't science. I say her definition of science is inaccurate and lame.
moiread: (facepalm • cate b.)
Chelle: Oh god I am so sad.
Kevin: ?
Chelle: You know I have some weird minor OCD tendencies with the way I eat.
Chelle: Like having to have an even amount of food on either side of my mouth when I chew.
Chelle: Which is why with things like M&Ms, which I am currently munching, I do them in pairs.
Chelle: One for either side.
Chelle: And then of course if they're coloured, they have to be the same colour.
Kevin: Yes, they're awesome to poke fun at when I run out of other things.
Chelle: Well.
Chelle: See.
Kevin: You have two differently-colored M&Ms left and you can't eat them.
Chelle: No.
Chelle: Psh.
Chelle: It's not that.
Chelle: When that happens, I just bite them in half. No problem.
Kevin: ...
Chelle: Yes.
Chelle: SO ANYWAY. As I was saying.
Chelle: I pulled two out of the bag but fumbled and lost one on the way out. So I popped the one I got into my mouth and bit down but didn't keep chewing because I needed to get the other one.
Kevin: ...
Chelle: So I reached in.
Chelle: And then I realized I hadn't caught the colour of the first one.
Chelle: So I couldn't grab one to match.
Kevin: I'm sorry.
Kevin: I can't even make fun of that.
Kevin: It is too sad.
Kevin: You took it out, didn't you?
Kevin: To check the color.
Chelle: CLOSE.
Chelle: Without even thinking about it, I put it on my tongue and stuck my tongue out and scrunched up my face until I could see the colour of the glob on my tongue.
Chelle: And then just as I got it.
Chelle: I stopped.
Chelle: And realized what I was doing.
Kevin: Sigh.
moiread: (innocent! • bonnie w.)
My (insect-phobic) brother comes running into the kitchen, totally frantic.

Me, stirring lentils on the stove: "Bzuh?"
Matt: "THERE WAS A FLY. First I hit him with my book, straight on, and he fell to the floor like he was dead BUT THEN HE GOT BACK UP AND FLEW OFF AGAIN!"
Dad, chopping grilled veggies: "Did you get him with the bug zapper?"
Matt: "GOOD IDEA."

So he runs off again, armed for battle with the electric fly swatter in hand. A minute later, from the living room, we hear a loud ZZZAP! Then a cry of "EUREKA!" followed by a very long moment of silence. Eventually my brother walks back into the kitchen looking positively stunned.

Matt, deadpan: "We have a Frankenfly."
Dad: "A what?"
Matt: "A Frankenfly. I swear. I got him with the bug zapper but he just flew off again."
Me: "If it's a Frankenfly, you just gave him more juice."
Dad: "You topped him up."
Matt: "FUCK."
Me: "The Fly That Would Not Die. It's very Edgar Allan Poeish. Like the Kurt Neumann movie meets Victorian Gothic night-time fever dream."
Dad: "It might come back for revenge later."
Me: "A buzzing at your bedroom door!"
Matt: "...I'm not sleeping tonight."

Dad and I high-five.
moiread: (eric vs cullens • TRUE BLOOD)
Kevin comes in. I look over and he's LOOMING OVER ME WITH A MEAT CLEAVER.

No, really. With a fucking meat cleaver. )
moiread: (boobies! • me.)
Chelle: ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggf''''''''''''
Chelle: ........
Chelle: Wow.
Chelle: I just accidentally typed with my boobs.
moiread: (shrug! :) • zooey d.)
Chelle: I want Cadbury cream eggs.
Chelle: >_>
Rose: Aren't you across the street from a 24 hour convenience store?
Chelle: Yes.
Chelle: But I only have $7 and going out requires pants.
moiread: (mischief • kate n.)
(Paraphrased and posted with permission.)

Friend: "So I'm writing out this idea I had and I've got a question for you."
Me: "Fire away!"
Friend: "If you were in a club and this incredibly gorgeous guy approached you, smiled in just the right way, pulled you close, kissed you... And this was a REAL kiss, a MEGA kiss, slow and sensual, the way all the best spontaneous kisses should be... And there was this wonderful spicy taste mixed with gin... And then he left you. Would that be hot or not?"
Me: "Uhhh."
Friend: "Yes?"
Me: "Honestly? I'd have kneed him in the crotch way before it ever got to the point where I was tasting the individual notes on his saliva and trying to decide if they were sexy or not."
Friend: "DAMMIT."

Clearly I am unqualified to be the heroine of a steamy romance novel. :(


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