moiread: (wtf • alicia w.)
Chelle: Holy shit. The maintenance tunnels under the city are full of little aliens crawling around on all fours like fleshy babies with MOUTHS FULL OF JAGGED TEETH INSTEAD OF FACES!
Chelle: And then there are bigger ones with eggplant heads split open to reveal their giant throbbing purple brains. DEAR GOD THIS PLACE IS CREEPY.
Kevin: Uhhhhhhh. Chelle?
Kevin: Maybe you should, um, lay off the egg rolls for awhile, okay?
Chelle: Oh shut up.
moiread: (bedmonster • alicia w.)

Chelle: I would love to hang out and play SW with you guys but I have the dead.
Chelle: I think I just need to go to sleep. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, etc.
Kevin: Sleep well!
Chelle: I am sad to not have the energy for my friends/hobbies this past week.
Chelle: Waaaaah my life is hard.
Kevin: *patpat*
Kevin: It's not as if you're still recovering from four weeks of constant pain or something.
Chelle: You and your logic.
Chelle: Honestly.
Chelle: What is that shit.
Kevin: I don't know.
Kevin: I suspect your relentless sensibleness may actually be rubbing off on me.
Chelle: There are worse fates.
Kevin: I don't know.
Kevin: Anything of yours rubbing on me is pretty terrible.
Kevin: Lord knows what I'd catch.
Chelle: See, there now, you've gone and ruined a perfectly good friendship moment.
Chelle: Clearly you are still thoroughly yourself.

I'm sure I will become an interesting human being again... soon. Yes.

In the meantime, have a giggle while you wait:

moiread: (HARRY POTTER • librarian/dominatrix.)
A natural carryover from this entry.

Chelle: Blanket octopuses are fucking weird.
Kevin: ...This sounds like something I need a picture of.
Chelle: http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l1gljsiaxy1qzm6k1o1_500.jpg
Chelle: It's basically like a regular octopus but with thin connective tissue between each of its tentacles.
Kevin: http://curiouscreatures.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/blanketoctopus.jpg
Kevin: Hee.
Chelle: When the females come across a Portugese Man O' War, they tear it apart, pick out the venomous stringy bits, discard the rest, and then carry them around to use as a weapon. Like death whips.
Chelle: 'Cuz they don't use ink. INK IS FOR PUSSIES.
Chelle: Why scare your enemies by squirting funny-coloured water at them when you can just slap them with poison death instead?
Chelle: Now with bonus EXCRUCIATING PAIN! Make your enemies truly suffer!
Chelle: Also: extreme sexual dimorphism. Females are like 2m long. Males are like 2cm long.
Chelle: Males have a special penis arm that stores sperm and then DETACHES to crawl over the female and find the hole and go inside and fertilize shit. And then the male dies, because it just tore off its own dick/arm.
Kevin: o_O
Kevin: That's it.
Kevin: You're not allowed to talk to me about biology anymore.
Chelle: :D
moiread: (dude • stock.)
Reformatted for people who don't use Twitter:

Chelle: Note to self: Small fuzzy mice explode in the microwave after just three seconds. Stick with thawing in hot water.
Jimmy: that's... valuable information. I will be sure to inform my cat.
Nat: I will not laugh I will not laugh I will not laugh.
Chelle: I forgot I'd meant to feed Eve two tonight, since she didn't get fed for two weeks, so I tried to thaw a second one in a hurry. FAIL.
Nat: Don't your mice have instructions on the package? Saying DO NOT MICRO?! ...or you buy in bulk?
Chelle: The place I buy from is a local zoo. They do BYO Bag mice for cheap.
Chelle: They are a reptile zoo/rescue/education center/summer camp, so I like to support them. But no, no instructions. I have common sense!
Nat: Ah, the commerical ones have warnings. "CAUTION: WILL ASPLODE"
Chelle: HA. Nice. I suspect they would have told me if I'd seemed uncertain/newbish. Or if I'd asked. But meat gets thawed in water. DUH.
Kevin: Well, on the bright side it's a mistake people only really make once? Usually. I hope.
Chelle: If there are repeats, it doesn't count as a mistake anymore. Then it's SCIENCE. But not in my kitchen, plz & ty. Terrible smell.
moiread: (wtf • zooey d.)
Ummm. My roommate is trying to make me cookies.

'Trying' being the operative word, here.

I mean. It's really nice of him and everything, but.

Ummmm.

There's splatter and flour all over the kitchen, and last I checked he was trying to "get the dough off the thing" by tilting the mixer at a ninety-degree angle above the bowl and vaguely shielding it with his hand, sending a spray all the way across the room to the sink. ("WHY are you DOING that?!" "Is there another way to do it?" "gfhdkjghksfdjhgl OH GOD." "STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THAT TONE.")

And then he went over to the stove. Where there was a frying pan (????).

I hope he doesn't wind up setting anything on fire, that's all I can say.

EDIT:

"Are they supposed to puff up like that?"
"I don't know! I don't even know what the hell you're MAKING!"
moiread: (innocent! • bonnie w.)
John ([livejournal.com profile] theweaselking) invited all the gamers out for Indian food on Monday night on the idea that "Thanksgiving is a holiday fundamentally about not starving to death because Indians give you food".

Kevin: "So are you coming for Indian food on Monday?"
Me: "Probably not. I have a family that gets cranky about these things."
Kevin: "But it's the spirit of Thanksgiving to eat Indian food!"
Me: "WRONG KIND OF INDIAN. If anything, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving to eat supposedly Native American food!"
Kevin: "If you want to get really properly traditional, we could sit around having peyote and mescaline."
Me: "..........I would be so down for that."
Kevin: "WHAT."
Me: "After the month I've had? FUCK YES. SOMEBODY GET ME STONED OUT OF MY MIND."
Kevin bursts out laughing.

EDIT: After seeing this post...

Rose: I think I still have some weed from the last time I ran out of pain meds. ;)
Chelle: Heh heh heh.
Rose: I am not even kidding.
Chelle: Unfortunately, I can't smoke it. Vaporizer only. :(
Rose: God, your body SUCKS.
Rose: I mean, so does mine, but at least I can smoke pot to take the edge off.
Rose: And drink. You can't do that either.
Rose: Sucks to be you. Seriously.
Chelle: YES, THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU TOO.
moiread: (smirky • me.)
Me: "Kevin, why is there a key sitting in the lock on our mailbox?"
Kevin: "Try to take it out and you'll see."

I reach over, turn the key, and remove it. Hand it to Kevin. He STARES.

Kevin: "I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO THAT ALL WEEK."

I start golf-clapping.

Kevin: "Fuck you. You don't get to say anything. NOT A WORD."

Me: "Heh heh heh."

Kevin: "NOT A WORD."
moiread: (facepalm • cate b.)
Chelle: Oh god I am so sad.
Kevin: ?
Chelle: You know I have some weird minor OCD tendencies with the way I eat.
Chelle: Like having to have an even amount of food on either side of my mouth when I chew.
Chelle: Which is why with things like M&Ms, which I am currently munching, I do them in pairs.
Chelle: One for either side.
Chelle: And then of course if they're coloured, they have to be the same colour.
Kevin: Yes, they're awesome to poke fun at when I run out of other things.
Chelle: Well.
Chelle: See.
Kevin: You have two differently-colored M&Ms left and you can't eat them.
Chelle: No.
Chelle: Psh.
Chelle: It's not that.
Chelle: When that happens, I just bite them in half. No problem.
Kevin: ...
Kevin: RATHER THAN JUST EATING BOTH AT ONCE.
Chelle: Yes.
Chelle: SO ANYWAY. As I was saying.
Chelle: I pulled two out of the bag but fumbled and lost one on the way out. So I popped the one I got into my mouth and bit down but didn't keep chewing because I needed to get the other one.
Kevin: ...
Chelle: So I reached in.
Chelle: And then I realized I hadn't caught the colour of the first one.
Chelle: So I couldn't grab one to match.
Kevin: I'm sorry.
Kevin: I can't even make fun of that.
Kevin: It is too sad.
Chelle: NO NO WAIT I'M NOT DONE
Kevin: You took it out, didn't you?
Kevin: To check the color.
Chelle: CLOSE.
Chelle: Without even thinking about it, I put it on my tongue and stuck my tongue out and scrunched up my face until I could see the colour of the glob on my tongue.
Chelle: And then just as I got it.
Chelle: I stopped.
Chelle: And realized what I was doing.
Kevin: Sigh.
moiread: (eric vs cullens • TRUE BLOOD)
Kevin comes in. I look over and he's LOOMING OVER ME WITH A MEAT CLEAVER.

No, really. With a fucking meat cleaver. )
moiread: (facepalm • famke j.)
Rental application is in! Fingers crossed.

Also:

Kevin: I corrected the landlord when he called you my girlfriend.
Kevin: I don't suppose you could grow a penis so people would stop assuming we're fucking?
Chelle: Kevin, have you ever heard yourself talk?
Chelle: My having a dick wouldn't make a whit of difference.
Kevin: Sure it would!
Chelle: Kevin, you deepthroat random objects in the middle of conversation. Sometimes they're not even sane shapes or sizes for deepthroating, but you do it anyway.
Kevin: What can I say? I like the cock.
Chelle: I rest my case.

If we wind up getting a third roommate for the new place, I really hope they're okay with our collective sense of humour, because otherwise we are SO SCREWED. This is so not your grandma's kitchen conversation...

Dammit.

Jul. 10th, 2008 05:22 pm
moiread: (BPAL • perfume bottle.)
Last night when I went to bed, I just dropped my clothes on the floor. I'm often a messy person, ironically, so that's not unusual for me. Most of the time I'll throw them in the bin, but not always, and generally I don't care either way unless someone else -- someone who doesn't live here -- is in the apartment.

Except, you know, I forgot I'd left my bottle of Carnal in my pocket from going over to Rose's. Kevin came in to say hello, once home from work, and stepped on my jeans on his way out. There was a small crunk noise. He kept walking, unaware. Wincing that obviously something had broken but not knowing what, I went to go check. Now I find that my jeans are full of both broken glass and wasted perfume, but at least they smell good, I suppose. Not that I'll be able to take advantage of that, since they're going to have to get washed five or six times before wearing them next, just to make sure all the glass is out.

Damn. It was my own fault for forgetting, and for leaving my clothes all over the floor, but still. Damn. That was one of my favourites, and I'd been wearing it all summer. :(
moiread: (tongue! • jenny l.)
HGJDSKHSLDK AUGH AUGH AUGH AUGH BLECH CHRUGH PTOOEY

THAT IS SO FUCKING WRONG, OH MY GOD

....

Kevin ([livejournal.com profile] harald387) went to Sugar Mountain on his way home, so he offered to pick me up something. I asked for jellybeans. Like the sadistic jerk he is, he stood contemplatively by the racks with scoop in hand and a half-filled bag for awhile, then turned and asked the clerk, "Would it be mean of me to mix Jalapeno in with the Green Apple as a prank, since they look the same?" The Clerk replied that no, what he wanted to do was buy a box of Bean Boozled, in which they've actually done the work for you.

So now I have this little box of jellybeans (along with a bag of nice fruity safe ones because, and I quote, "You would beat me otherwise") with a legend on the back that lists how there are multiple types of beans in there, but each colour could be one of two flavours: Black could either be Licorice or Skunk Spray, dappled white-and-yellow could be Buttered Popcorn but might also be Rotten Egg, speckled orange might be Peach or might actually be Vomit. The other combinations are Café Latte vs Ear Wax, Caramel Corn vs Moldy Cheese, Juicy Pear (my favourite) vs Booger, Coconut vs Baby Wipes, Top Banana vs Pencil Shavings, and Plum vs Black Pepper. For each combination, there are a random number of either option in the box, so you really don't know what you're going to get when you pull one out.

The first few I tried were all on the good side, so I was beginning to think that they were ALL good flavours, and the whole thing was a prank in itself. You know. "Haha, you hemmed and hawed and winced trying each one when there weren't any nasty flavours in there at all! Joke's on you!"?

Then I bit into a black one and got a mouth full of skunk. Don't think I've ever spat something out so fast in my life, and that damnable roommate of mine just sat there laughing. LAUGHING. Bastard.

(Of course, he did just watch me give in to my own fatal curiosity as I willingly tried one of each, so maybe he does have some small reason to mock me. There's something to be said for giving me just enough rope to hang myself with, I suppose, when you know for a fact that I'll take it.)

EDIT: Kevin's entry, right before mine.
moiread: (amused • ewan m.)
Kevin: I have to keep reminding myself that it's not Monday.
Chelle: I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't evening.
Chelle: It's very disorienting to keep thinking it's 2pm and hooray, I can order in lunch, when it's actually 7am and nothing will be open for many hours.
Chelle: That was my morning.
Kevin: You really do need to do something about that sleep schedule. :P
Chelle: I did. That's why I'm disoriented, genius. ;)
Kevin: Heh.

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